A world through unclouded eyes

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At this time, nine years ago, you were still alive somewhere. Somehow, I just can't stop thinking about that. Through the entire day, I've just kept thinking, "Alright, we were both in classes at this moment, nine years ago." "This was the last moment I saw you, nine years ago, and didn't know it." "Right now you were visiting someone and making someone happy." "I was just finding a rose, the final rose, on the doorstep." Soon, I'll be passing that hour and thinking, "This was when they called me. This was when they finally told me. You were gone."
Nine years ago. Has it only been nine years? Has it really been nine years?
Every year I think I'm getting past this, and then it gets close to Christmas and the 14th, and I start to break down again. I grow to believe I'm so strong, that the ache is finally going to go away, and then it floors me again with its intensity, and I realise how very weak I am. It's one of the hardest things about the holidays. Remembering.
I wasn't there to watch you die. I wasn't there, and it will haunt me forever.

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Went to see A Christmas Carol at the Guthrie last night. First time I've ever seen it in play form, though I've wanted to go for years. It was a different, shorter adaptation than they've normally done, but I still thought it was very good. We tried a new restaurant right inside the Guthrie for dinner, and it was really good, though I did manage to dribble my drink into my hair. Such a waste of good vodka.

On Thursday night I stayed up late and made a huge batch of chocolate-chip cookies for Staci's birthday (which is Monday, but I wanted her to have them over the weekend, after what happened last week). Today I made Christmas sugar cookies with my mom. I didn't really want to at first, and started out kind of bitchy and "rawr", but it got to be fun pretty quick. I wish I didn't feel so completely wiped out right now though. I even got a pretty decent night's sleep, until Hunter urped on the bed at 4 o'clock this morning. That was kind of ick.

I've been asked to sing for the Christmas Eve 10 o'clock service this year, but I don't know what song to do. I kind of wish they'd just pick something for me. I would do O Holy Night, but I'm pretty sure Dan's already going to sing that, and the choir is doing Silent Night, so that's out, too. There is a song I would really like to do, called Christmas 1915, but I don't think it's probably appropriate for a church service. I need to talk with Dan and find out what the service looks like music-wise. I need to talk to him about some other stuff too; some church related, some not.

I am so looking forward to having the house to myself tonight. My brother's with my grandma, and my parents are going out with a friend for dinner and a concert. Just me and the dogs and the vodka tonight, and there's stuff I actually want to do, so it shouldn't turn into a depression/cutting fest. Gonna work on some music things, and maybe even someone's Christmas present, though it's really not turning out well, and I might have to think up something else. Really kind of bummed about that.

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http://cgi.4chan.org/f/src/vvvvvv_beta1_4chan_release.swf

flips 5077
deaths 1977

hardest room: 'Thats why i have to kill you' with 223 deaths

Crazy hard game...>.< and this is coming from a game tester =P

I love our company's president. On Friday he had surgery. Yesterday he posted on our company's blog about how he's doing. I just about fell out of my chair laughing when I read this next bit:
Speaking about the floral arrangement our staff sent to him:
During these trying times, I believe it's very important to maintain maximum versatility; you'll all be happy to know that if things had gone differently, the arrangement would have looked beautiful at the funeral home, too.

Love it. Just love it.

Today my friend/co-worker walked into my cubicle, sat down on my desk, and said, "I need you to talk me down from a ledge."
And I said "Okay."
And we talked. Commiserated. Laughed. Felt better.
I reiterate, hugs help save lives.

(EDIT 21:12: just realised this: yes, the song was completely random)

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Where are you, Christmas?
Why can't I find you?

Yesterday I dog-sat my neighbours' new puppy, Nordic. He's about 4 months old, and I'm not sure my dogs were really certain what he was at first. They had a pretty fine time, he was very well behaved and I didn't have to watch them every moment, which was nice. Hunter's so laid back that he let the puppy climb all over him, and let him bat him in the head with his little paws and chew on his tail. It was funny seeing them together, since Hunter's like ten times bigger than Nordie (which is what I call him). Rosy was less sure as to what to do with him, but they got along eventually.

Over the past two days I have slept a total of 23 hours, and I still feel completely wiped out. I don't even want to crawl out of bed when it's so cold, and I simply don't want to go anywhere, I feel so exhausted. I can't believe the weekend is over already.

Dan gave me the best hug after the service this morning. It was the best, because it was unexpected, and so very much needed. Hugs (help) save lives.

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I can't believe it's been a week since I updated this thing. Time's been getting away from me lately, and there never seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done that I need to do, let alone want to do.
The busing to and from work isn't working out too badly. Actually, in the mornings it's quite nice, because I only have to take one bus and it gets me all the way out to Nesbitt and Old Shakopee in about 45 minutes. And starting at 7 instead of 8 is pretty nice, too, since there are very few people there that early. It's kind of shitty that I have to stay until 4, which is only half an hour earlier than I had been working to. Consequently, I have to walk down to France, about a mile and a half, every day to catch a bus to MOA and then another bus from there home. At least I don't have to walk all the way to Normandale, which was what I did Monday. That's over a three mile walk, and I had to do it under 45 minutes or I missed the bus. Kind of shitty. But it sure as hell is nice to not have to wait and wonder when and if my ride is going to bother to show up.
Sometime next week I suppose I'll have to make time and do some shopping at MOA while I'm there. *sighs* Christmas shopping doesn't appeal to me at all, and I'm actually kind of scared to try it. I kind of envision myself having a panic attack and hiding under a stairwell or something. I need to start finishing my shopping in July. *sighs*
Overall... yeah, I'm really not doing too well right now. I'm not in a very good, or safe, place in my head right now, and it's led me to do some stupid things, and think some stupid thoughts.
I haven't been able to pick up writing an ending for my NaNo. I've freaked myself out with the way I killed off my main character (not the fact that I did, because she had to die for the story to resolve at the end, whenever I get to it), and I'm afraid of what it's really saying about me.
Because of the change in my work schedule I've been getting even less sleep than usual, and I can feel it taking its toll. Sadly, I never feel like dozing off at the times when I have the liberty to do so. It's always while I'm working, or nearing my bus stop, or some other important moment in the day.
And for the amount of alcohol I've consumed, I don't feel nearly drunk enough.
This holiday season... I really wish I could feel like I belong.

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